Humble Chutzpah

A lot can change in seven months, including an online page! Welcome to Humble Chutzpah, a space formerly used to inspect sociology, analyze music, and express spirituality. Don’t worry, those things will still happen, but now there will be greater intention behind it. Let’s work through some of the changes that have happened over the last several months and perhaps this intentionality will make itself understood.

When I began writing and sharing online, with the intention of no one really seeing it, I was writing just to clear space in my head. The world seemed brand new and I was overwhelmed by all that I was observing, experiencing, and learning. It was a time of just having to tell someone about it. I was always conscientious about my wording and focuses, and I always cared deeply about what I wrote, but I had very different intentions. I needed space in my head, space enough to welcome some sleep. Writing every post until now has served exactly that purpose. Now things are changing…

Since I last shared here, I have graduated college, moved to a new city, and started a new job. The big world that perpetually amazed me seven months ago still amazes me, but now I’m immersed in it, not just looking around but also exploring. Is my head sometimes still a pinball machine? Yes, most of the time actually, but I’ve grown to accept and love that. What I’d love to use this space for is no longer to spew out thoughts, but to slow down and engage with those thoughts. Let’s talk about the hard things, the complex things, the beautiful things, and the new things. Let’s slow down and process instead of rushing to clear brain space.

So what prompted this new intention of slowing down? About two months ago, I started a new job. A few weeks in, my boss told me I have chutzpah. If you don’t recognize that word, don’t worry. I didn’t recognize it until relatively recently myself. Chutzpah is a Yiddish word that can be synonymous with self-confidence, drive, ambition, and honestly much more. But, my boss added that I have humble chutzpah. This oxymoron intrigued me in many ways. First, I’m an English major- all oxymorons intrigue me. But second, I disagreed with her. I don’t think I have humble chutzpah, or any chutzpah at all, really. I’ve never considered myself to be a confident person, so thinking about humble confidence was entirely new. It forced me to slow down, think, and try to understand.

I liked slowing down, I liked thinking. The wonderful part is that the thinking isn’t over, which is why I’m here. This is no longer a battle to save my sanity, but an avenue to endeavor into intentional thought. My writing will consist of my life experiences, “scholarly” topics I’ve connected them to, and the two realms so intrinsically part of me: spirituality and music. So please, join me as I continue trying to understand what it means to have humble chutzpah, rather, what it means to be me.